Jess (beanweevil) wrote,

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Life itself goes on...

"Student, why do you dream of me
when you dream of your acre of trees?
It was agreed, I came to burn leaves
It's all I ever claimed to do
A plowman I'll never grow into."

I dreamt about hugs last night. Hugs in the forest. From an old...friend? I woke up slightly sad. And can't stop thinking about him. And wondering just what unconditional love means.

I was walking down a path through the forest. It was someplace I had never been, but I knew exactly where I was and where I was going. I passed a boy, walking with his parents. He was about my age. A few weeks younger actually. And I stopped to watched them pass. And made eye contact with him. All I could think was how much he looked like ______. I watched them walk by, and turned around to continue to stare. And then, all at once I realized that if I let him go again, I would never cross his path again. I knew this. Not entirely sure yet if it was actually him, I yelled his name. His entire name. Every nickname I ever had for him. I stood there...wearing my old purple and green skirt, a white T-shirt, the bracelet he had made for me years ago that has been broken since my graduation (I still keep it in a box in the top drawer of my dresser), and bare feet...and yelled his name. He kept walking for a minute, and I realized it wasn't him after all. But then he yelled back. And stopped walking. He turned around to look at me and then started running back. He dressed in green and black, his hair longer, and his left ear full of about 15 piercings. I watched him come, not moving but rather just waiting, rooted in place. He came and he picked me up and we spun around kind of like in the movies. It was the best hug of my entire life. I held on as tight as I could, my tears soaking into his hair, his laughter in my ear. And I wasn't ever going to let go.

...Then the phone rang. And Sean ripped me back into the real world like he has done for me so many times before. We talked for a few minutes. I honestly don't even remember what about. I was still in my dream. I was wondering why after all horrible things ______ had done, I still loved him. It had always been like that. Even before he left. He would do terrible awful things, sometimes even to people I cared about, and I would curse and cry and hate him for it...swear that THIS was the last time he was forgiven...until I actually saw him. I would forget being angry as soon as I saw that ridiculous grin, received one of his classic hugs, shared our latest adventures-loves-passions-stories. I'd just grin back and only have love for the kid. I tried to explain it, both to myself and people who would ask, but I have never been able to. All I can come up with is he is my definition of unconditional love. As hard as I may try, I can't not love this person. Maybe it's because he always loved me back. Maybe it's because of the common ground we were able to find together, where we could just forget our differences and all of each other's faults and see only the GOOD in each other. How we always knew what to say to the other at all times. Maybe we neutralized each other and we both felt as though we could actually transform into the people we always strived to be. Whatever it was good. And I miss it.

I haven't seen him in almost a year now. I don't even know where he is. I don't have a phone number, an address, not even a state. I don't know if he goes by the same name, if he's cut his hair, grown a beard...nothing. All I have of him is a memory. And my dreams.

of the best hug in the world.

And just like that...I want a hug like never before. So someone - come meet me in the forest, and pick me up and spin me like in the movies and laugh in my ear, and let's have that perfect moment. Because I miss it more than ever.

"My arms miss you,
My hands miss you
The stars sing,
I've got their song in my head.

No one can harness the rain
And I can make myself into the rain
You'll feel me on your cheek
And on your sleeve.

I can feel you about to forget"
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