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I give myself very good advice
20 most recent entries

Date:2010-02-24 00:23
Subject:Reenact your legendary tragedy
Mood: numb

He was supposed to be my light at the end of the tunnel.


I guess he was just a train.

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Date:2007-04-30 09:18
Mood: horrible

I'm ready to tear my phone out of the wall, throw my computer out the window, punch every one of these overweight, overpaid, over-privileged, right wing yuppies in their smug snouts, and just walk out. I would rather be ANYWHERE ELSE but here right now.

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Date:2007-04-06 16:46
Subject:I don't know whether to be amused or disgusted
Mood: hyper

Drugs are bad mmmkay

I have Chery Garcia in my freezer which is one hour away. Oh snap.

Grindhouse tonight!

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Date:2007-03-28 09:51
Mood: thirsty

I want to play hookie from my life for a month or two. Turn off my phone, Put all of my responsibilities on the shelf and forget about them for a bit, get in my "car" and leave Portland for a while. By myself. Go explore and adventure and make new friends and read books and listen to music and write and drink tea 2000 miles away from here. I think that would be nice.

This is where my mind is right nowCollapse )

I think I'm burning out on the new job already. It's so...not me. Wearing slacks and sitting at a desk and putting numbers in a computer for 9 hours a day. It's so unfulfilling. I feel like an impostor. And like I must really stick out like a sore thumb around these people. In a way, I almost find myself missing the blue collar atmosphere. Too bad I need the money to do the aforementioned hookie playing.

I plan on taking a class or two at PCC over the summer to kind of ease myself back into school. I think being around people my own age will help too.

Also I really want to smoke a bowl right now.

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Date:2007-03-05 07:59

Working on the 9th floor is teaching me that I don't like elevators.

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Date:2007-02-06 09:24
Subject:Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Whorebucks has officially raped and murdered Coffee People. One of Portland's beloved little guys.

What the hell IS that shit??

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Date:2006-03-09 14:05
Subject:Ok, so now it's Jessica's turn
Mood: lazy

...because this was just too cool. Kind of like Alice, Sam, and Sahar...

jessica is satan
jessica is going to brazil
jessica is een lekkerding
jessica is britain's choice for eurovision
jessica is a bitch
jessica is engaging
jessica is still here a week later and everything is still the same
jessica is a homosexual
jessica is just as picky with her men as she is grammar
jessica is the total opposite
jessica is horse ride on sandy pee pee teen adult toybox sex
jessica is like a rocket ship headed for the stratosphere
jessica is an idiot
jessica is decidedly uncomfortable with the conversation
jessica is well known at our post office and they all love her there
jessica is sitting up and crawling
jessica is mesmerized by the virtual playground filled with stars from fantasy land movies and all the people at big burger
jessica is a mostly entertaining sit
jessica is kidnapped on the streets of portland
jessica is not a real zombie
jessica is wearing a child's grey sweatshirt
jessica is a perfect lady
jessica is my best friend in hong kong
jessica is nude
jessica is such a dork
jessica is to be taken to a secure hospital where prisoners sleep in locked metal rooms
jessica is dead
jessica is the best so butt out
jessica is in the house
jessica is blah blah or whatever


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Date:2006-02-25 09:26
Mood: geeky

I'm almost 100 over in my texts this month. Damn that boy. Daaaaaamn him.

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Date:2006-02-22 21:40

LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:beanweevil
Your haiku:windy i hear it
that it is exactly where
i want to know you
Created by Grahame

...Little too sappy/unecessarily philosophical for my taste I think.

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Date:2006-02-21 20:32
Subject:Hoo baby

It's ok...I didn't want to get anything done today anyway

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Date:2006-02-12 02:46
Subject:I don't sleep well anymore

I USED to sleep well. Dunno what happened.

93. Is 93 too many in my opinion. I think I may just never come back. I don't really like it here. Disappearing would be ok with me.

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Date:2006-02-08 20:35
Subject:deja vu?

It's funny how insomniacs are fascinated with lucid dreaming
in the odd hours of the night
Is your sleepless delusion equal to
control over your subconscious mind?

How can you fight obscure lucidity?
I dream in infinity when you sleep next to me
The mind is an ocean, clearly spiritual
it's waves - networks of subliminal messages
Dancing to the rhythyms of matrix algebra

Free. I am lovers with duality.

Tell me if your sleepless delusion differs from a sleeper's illusion.
The realization. Your requiem of waking.
When the sun shines in the morning,
elegies are written in dream journals.

A tribute to collective consciousness.

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Date:2006-02-02 20:25

I feel very very very very small right now.
Also...time has officially STOPPED. Did anyone else notice?

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Date:2006-01-18 21:47

I MISS DOMINIC. There. I said it.

hmph. I am going to bed now. I feel like 182 different kinds of crap.

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Date:2006-01-12 18:53
Mood: calm

I have always been seen as not much of a people person. People say I'm too guarded and closed, or that I don't know how to open up. I don't think that's true. I am very much a people person. I love being around people and loving people and being loved more than anything in the world. I am just very picky. Very, very picky. There are very few people in this world that I like to be around or associate myself with. Saying the words "I love you," is harder for me than almost anything. Love is a big word. A HUGE word. A word which I try to reserve for a small select crowd. I love Alice. I love Grace. I love Sean. I love Mike. I love Alyssa and Parker and Colin and Dominic. These are people I can be more open and free and comfortable and happy and Jessica around than anyone else. The few that I feel I don't have to keep up a facade for. Or be pretty for or "act properly" for. My lovelies.

When I was with Taylor, he told me he loved me after I had known him less than 2 weeks. That was the point at which I wanted out. When he said to me, "Jessica, I need to know...you have to tell me. Do you love me?" was the point at which I wanted to run away screaming and hide under a rock and cry and disappear. But I always lose my cool when I am cornered. I can't think. I start to sweat. and I panic. So not wanting to hurt him, I said yes. The most painful thing in the world, was saying those words - those HUGE words - to someone I didn't love. I felt sick and dirty and like I had hit a whole new low. But...how do you tell someone you don't love them? It's easy enough to just not say anything...but to say "I don't love you"? I don't know how to do that.

John tells me that I have no emotion. I'm like a brick wall he says. I told him he is dumb. Sometimes when I talk to him, he touches my shoulder. Gives it a weird little squeeze, and it usually makes me flinch. He takes it very personally even though I tell him he shouldn't. Physical contact is just awkward for me. I have a very large personal bubble I guess and I am not a big fan of touching or being touched under most circumstances. It's just something that has always been difficult for me. Rachel Baseler always used to make fun of it in high school, right before she would jump right in my face and touch me a lot. I'd always jump a mile and then force a laugh and some witty remark and try to inwardly quell my hysteria.

I have to be as comfortable as I am ever going to be with a person before I am completely comfortable with the sensation of touch. I don't really know why either.

Besides Sean and my sisters, there has been one person ever who I have been able to say the HUGE words to. And didn't mind it when he touched me. One person who I had the ability to be completely relaxed around. The one person with whom I didn't care if he saw me drool or heard me snore when I was asleep. Who I could have a grand conversation with, but also some of the best silences ever. The person who never pressured me into anything, and didn't take it personally when I didn't want to cuddle, but instead just realized that I'm weird like that sometimes.

And I blew it. Oh well. Lesson learned I guess? Next time...I won't blow it. I know what I'm looking for now. ...Right?

I decided TODAY, that happiness isn't just going to come to me if I sit around and wait long enough. I have to go hunt it down and tackle it. Actively pursue it. Or something. I'm ok with that. So I sat down and made a list. Of what makes me happy right now. At this point in my life.

I am happiest when...
*I am with Sean, Mike D, my sisters, Alyssa & Parker, Colin, Dominic...the like
*I am driving my car
*I am talking to Tyler, strangely enough
*I am listening to or making music
*I am asleep
*I am working, and aware of the fact I am making money with which to take my leave
*I am in nature and can forget that civilization exists
*I am drinking really good tea
*I am meditating

WHICH leads me to believe...this is all I should be doing with my time. Any combination of things from this list. All the time. Because then I will be happy all the time. DUR.

Also. This Spring. When I GO. I think it will change things. I can already feel that it is going to be a splendid experience. I'm so excited about it I may just explode. I do hope I don't get murdered in hostels though. That would not be terribly exciting.

It's no small thing that I must prove to you.

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Date:2005-12-29 21:50
Subject:"...This page ate my crayons"

You are light tasting
Fine, with a scent of lime
My part in your art is to be there
You're right. I'm wasting such a meager grace
So soon. What you're doing is aiming
The plainest words are the finest

"Holy shit I found a swingset."
"Swing girl, swing!!"

I gladly waive my rights to find the real world
If you find the real world let me know
It never rains enough to cool my fever
All it does is rain

...And so I did. Oh, did I ever.

The worst you can do is harm
Waiting for the other shoe to fall
And shouting from your car at an empty road
The plainest words are the finest

Someday...Someday I will get to where I want to be. I hope.

I've been waiting half my life to find the real world.

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Date:2005-12-17 18:00
Subject:Apparently I make a "mean caramel macchiato"...but that's only in the real world.
Mood: warm

"Leaving our shoes behind
We cross the water
Our words flow
From mouth to mouth
Like fish seeking dark places
The mist covers our traces, covers our faces"

I've been remembering my dreams lately. Which is strange for me. I'll usually wake up and have a little scrap of a dream hanging on...just the feeling I got from the dream more than the dream itself...but I will have forgotten it within an hour. Only lately, my dreams have been vivid. Sometimes brief and just tiny snip-its, but still stick in my memory. And they're all I can think about all day. While I'm awake...I've been living in my dreams. It's much easier than trying to live in the real world.

"Your life collides with mine."

I'm sitting in a movie theatre. A dark movie theatre, but there's no movie playing. Just a black screen. And I'm the only person there. The seats are squashy and comfortable and I'm perfectly content. And waiting for someone. But I don't know who. The door at the back opens and someone walks down the aisle and sits down next to me. I turn and look at a boy with curly blond hair and smile. He smiles, and takes my hand. And I'm happy.

And that's all. He didn't have a name, not even in my mind. Not at the time anyway. He didn't say anything. He didn't really have any features besides his hair that stood out. But I woke up happy. I didn't know why, and didn't really question it.

"Will I forget your face, or your fluid gait?
Or will I stare into the stillness
This is where I miss you.

Cold wind rushes down on my face
Smoke heats the black throat of the chimney
The door is open
Come on inside..."

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Date:2005-12-13 11:38
Subject:Life itself goes on...
Mood: nostalgic

"Student, why do you dream of me
when you dream of your acre of trees?
It was agreed, I came to burn leaves
It's all I ever claimed to do
A plowman I'll never grow into."

I dreamt about hugs last night. Hugs in the forest. From an old...friend? I woke up slightly sad. And can't stop thinking about him. And wondering just what unconditional love means.

I was walking down a path through the forest. It was someplace I had never been, but I knew exactly where I was and where I was going. I passed a boy, walking with his parents. He was about my age. A few weeks younger actually. And I stopped to watched them pass. And made eye contact with him. All I could think was how much he looked like ______. I watched them walk by, and turned around to continue to stare. And then, all at once I realized that if I let him go again, I would never cross his path again. I knew this. Not entirely sure yet if it was actually him, I yelled his name. His entire name. Every nickname I ever had for him. I stood there...wearing my old purple and green skirt, a white T-shirt, the bracelet he had made for me years ago that has been broken since my graduation (I still keep it in a box in the top drawer of my dresser), and bare feet...and yelled his name. He kept walking for a minute, and I realized it wasn't him after all. But then he yelled back. And stopped walking. He turned around to look at me and then started running back. He dressed in green and black, his hair longer, and his left ear full of about 15 piercings. I watched him come, not moving but rather just waiting, rooted in place. He came and he picked me up and we spun around kind of like in the movies. It was the best hug of my entire life. I held on as tight as I could, my tears soaking into his hair, his laughter in my ear. And I wasn't ever going to let go.

...Then the phone rang. And Sean ripped me back into the real world like he has done for me so many times before. We talked for a few minutes. I honestly don't even remember what about. I was still in my dream. I was wondering why after all horrible things ______ had done, I still loved him. It had always been like that. Even before he left. He would do terrible awful things, sometimes even to people I cared about, and I would curse and cry and hate him for it...swear that THIS was the last time he was forgiven...until I actually saw him. I would forget being angry as soon as I saw that ridiculous grin, received one of his classic hugs, shared our latest adventures-loves-passions-stories. I'd just grin back and only have love for the kid. I tried to explain it, both to myself and people who would ask, but I have never been able to. All I can come up with is he is my definition of unconditional love. As hard as I may try, I can't not love this person. Maybe it's because he always loved me back. Maybe it's because of the common ground we were able to find together, where we could just forget our differences and all of each other's faults and see only the GOOD in each other. How we always knew what to say to the other at all times. Maybe we neutralized each other and we both felt as though we could actually transform into the people we always strived to be. Whatever it was...it was good. And I miss it.

I haven't seen him in almost a year now. I don't even know where he is. I don't have a phone number, an address, not even a state. I don't know if he goes by the same name, if he's cut his hair, grown a beard...nothing. All I have of him is a memory. And my dreams.

of the best hug in the world.

And just like that...I want a hug like never before. So someone - come meet me in the forest, and pick me up and spin me like in the movies and laugh in my ear, and let's have that perfect moment. Because I miss it more than ever.

"My arms miss you,
My hands miss you
The stars sing,
I've got their song in my head.

No one can harness the rain
And I can make myself into the rain
You'll feel me on your cheek
And on your sleeve.

I can feel you about to forget"

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Date:2005-11-10 13:28
Subject:When I look down, I just miss all the good stuff. And when I look up, I just trip over things.
Mood: envious

...is a piano
dropped from a four story window
And you were in the wrong place
At the wrong time.

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Date:2005-10-20 08:14
Subject:I love you fiercely
Mood: grateful

I climbed a tree yesterday.
A very large tree.
At Gabriel park...you all know the ones.

Those trees all over that place that have those branches that go all the way down to the ground.
The trees where you have to fight a way in to where the tree trunk is by pushing your way in through the curtain of pine needles and squeezing yourself between the limbs.
The soft kind of pine needles though.
Not the kind that poke you and are rather uncomfortable.
And every branch is smooth and you don't get any slivers or sap on your hands.
Then since it's such a huge fat tree, you climb and climb forever before you get to the point where you have to stop... which in this case is almost to the top (due to an abundance of said hefty branches) and you feel like you're on top of the world.
And no matter what direction you look when you get to the top, all you can see are the firey autumn trees covering every inch of the hills.
And of course, there just so happens to be a nice wide perfect branch at top, that's just for you.
And you sit.
And you get comfortable.
And you think.
And you love everything.

And nothing at all in the world could possibly go wrong, as long as you are there.
Where you are happy to just BE.

...yeah. that kind of tree.
You all know the one.

It's a good place to be.
One of the best in fact.

It's hard to come back down again.

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